rustyxiv:

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand is one of the greatest games in existence. You may be thinking, “Rusty, what the hell are you talking about?” Now hold on a tic. 

The game itself is about 50 Cent, a popular rapper who is doing a concert in most certainly not Iraq don’t think too hard, and the concert host can’t pay him. How does our protagonist take this? Not very well. But it’s alright, the concert host has a CRYSTAL ENCRUSTED SKULL, which Fifty quite rightly accepts. UNTIL SWEET HOLY JESUS!

B MOVIE EDITION LARA CROFT JUST STOLE THE SKULL FROM OUR GANGSTER PROTAGONIST. How does Fiddy take this plot twist? He utters, quite elegantly: “That BITCH took my skull” That bitch, indeed. Fiddy spends the rest of the game angrily asking this question to friend or foe as he kills 75% of the population of this unnamed developing country with his lovable rogue buddies, The G Unit. Personally me and my friend pick Tony Yayo because he seems to have great banter to the point where it’s like he’s actively making fun of 50 without him catching on.

The gameplay is somewhere between third person shooter and glorified rap battle simulator. You spend half your time mashing the analogue sticks to taunt the enemies with witticisms such as  “I’m gonna fuckin’ kill yo whole fuckin’ family” and get graded on how much shit you can wreck in a combo. Plus, dude, IF YOU GET GOOD COMBOS YOU GET INCENDIARY ROUNDS FOR YOUR WEAPON THAT ALSO HAVE DETONATIONS? YOU WANT A MAGNUM THAT FIRES EXPLOSIONS?LOOK NO FURTHER, 50 DOES NOT PLAY AROUND. 

Every single boss is a FUCKING helicopter, and each one Fifty takes down while shouting he’s gonna fuck them up, which he proceeds to then do, with nothing but a golden handgun that fires matrix time defying exploding incendiary bullets.

My favourite moment in the game is where a mercenary leader does some pseudo-intellectual reference to the state of government banking and corporate, proceeds to blow up a bank truck and steal the money. 50’s response? This man… our hero, 50 Cent, simply does not give a fuck and hits the merc leader with one of my all time favourite videogame comebacks. “Yeah well, I do my bankin’ online.”

I’m being serious by the way. It’s amazing. I bought it as a joke with a friend and it honestly turned out to be one of the funniest and enjoyable experience I’ve ever had with a videogame. You will not regret playing 50 Cent Blood on the sand with a friend, especially if you make like a drinking game at every time Fifty claims he’s gonna fuck someone up.

Honestly 50 Cent is a genius for writing this game. It’s like a meta deconstruction of every action movie and game in the last decade, along with a genuinely enjoyable package to play for a solid 6 hours. For $5 you honestly cannot go wrong.

Why the hell haven’t you played it? Why aren’t you doing your banking online?