Gonna start talking about my time on tumblr like I was in the army.
“Oh yeah I did two tours back in 2011”
“comitted war crimes against the superwholocks. slaughtered them like animals.”
June 24th, 2011
It started as a simple reconnoiter and meme grab in Homestuck territory. One four man squad of good boys, one truck, only 10 miles behind enemy lines.
On our exfil, we stopped the truck so pon-raul could piss. Normally he never washed his hands after, but we never game him too much shit on a count of his aim with the meme cannon. Today however, he decided to take the extra second.
We had gotten reports of tensions between Homestuck and superwholock over the pat few weeks, but like most Tumblr nonsense we dismissed it as just that. Nonsense.
Turns out, that was our luck.
Nonsense.
We smelled them before we saw them, the putrid stench of clove cigarettes, appletini vape clouds and body odor washed over us. Over the hill, a superwholock task force broke through the tree line, sweating and grunting in their wool overcoats and wizard robes, their poorly maintained steampunk 2door hatchbacks groaning and creaking over the light underbrush. As the armored advance team passed us by, a group of tanks- heavyset superwholocks in reactive-DE armored corsets came close enough for us to catch their eye
One tank in particular, panting and driven near mad from thigh rub, swung her fake 3d movie glasses frames toward us and bellowed a sweaty screech, pointing her wand and upping the speed of her hobble.
Our driver, brassers, calmly started the engine on the truck and stared the charging tank down, like an experienced park ranger holding his ground against the thundering gallop of a bull elephant. He managed to move the truck almost in time, but the tank collided with the side of the truck with a gelatinous *CRACK*, spinning it 90 degrees sideways. Luchadoreofliberty dispatched the tank by hitting her with a chair, but by then the entire task force was encircling our position.
Then the meme cannon opened up. My god, the memes.
Standing white-knuckled in the turret, Pon-raul unleashed belt after belt of memes into the sweating, groaning horde of superwholockians. Each line was driven forward by the men and women behind it, blindly pushing their comrades forward into the stream of memes from the cannon. Bodies piled on top of bodies as they tried and failed to break through several times, before those remaining hopped onto the few still running hatchbacks and attempted to flee back up the hill.
Pon however, wouldn’t relent. Belt after belt was emptied into the fleeing crowd. Brassers, eager to avenge the dent he’d have to pull out later with a bucket of hot mountain dew and an XXL suction cup strap on, followed to keep Pon-Raul in range.
As all but one hatchback was destroyed, the final few superwholockians threw themselves prostrate onto the ground, gripping the earth and shouting their surrenders.
Pon killed them all. One final rip of a meme belt through the cannon. “They’re animals” he said, “so I slaughtered them like animals.”
We were quiet on the way home. Pon still hasn’t washed his hands.
The scent of apples makes me sick now.Nobody sleeps much anymore.
Damn this place. They should shut it down. Burn it.
Tumblr refugee 