When it’s 3:50 AM and you are rudely awoken by your phone ringing because SOP went to salvage body parts in a nearby battlefield but it turned too late and now she can’t come back by herself with all those assorted arms, legs, and cyber-viscera so you get up and grab the truck’s keys because you love her but she’s still getting the god damn lecture of her life nonetheless the moment you put your hands on her.
Gonna start talking about my time on tumblr like I was in the army.
“Oh yeah I did two tours back in 2011”
“comitted war crimes against the superwholocks. slaughtered them like animals.”
June 24th, 2011
It started as a simple reconnoiter and meme grab in Homestuck territory. One four man squad of good boys, one truck, only 10 miles behind enemy lines.
On our exfil, we stopped the truck so pon-raul could piss. Normally he never washed his hands after, but we never game him too much shit on a count of his aim with the meme cannon. Today however, he decided to take the extra second.
We had gotten reports of tensions between Homestuck and superwholock over the pat few weeks, but like most Tumblr nonsense we dismissed it as just that. Nonsense.
Turns out, that was our luck.
Nonsense.
We smelled them before we saw them, the putrid stench of clove cigarettes, appletini vape clouds and body odor washed over us. Over the hill, a superwholock task force broke through the tree line, sweating and grunting in their wool overcoats and wizard robes, their poorly maintained steampunk 2door hatchbacks groaning and creaking over the light underbrush. As the armored advance team passed us by, a group of tanks- heavyset superwholocks in reactive-DE armored corsets came close enough for us to catch their eye
One tank in particular, panting and driven near mad from thigh rub, swung her fake 3d movie glasses frames toward us and bellowed a sweaty screech, pointing her wand and upping the speed of her hobble.
Our driver, brassers, calmly started the engine on the truck and stared the charging tank down, like an experienced park ranger holding his ground against the thundering gallop of a bull elephant. He managed to move the truck almost in time, but the tank collided with the side of the truck with a gelatinous *CRACK*, spinning it 90 degrees sideways. Luchadoreofliberty dispatched the tank by hitting her with a chair, but by then the entire task force was encircling our position.
Then the meme cannon opened up. My god, the memes.
Standing white-knuckled in the turret, Pon-raul unleashed belt after belt of memes into the sweating, groaning horde of superwholockians. Each line was driven forward by the men and women behind it, blindly pushing their comrades forward into the stream of memes from the cannon. Bodies piled on top of bodies as they tried and failed to break through several times, before those remaining hopped onto the few still running hatchbacks and attempted to flee back up the hill.
Pon however, wouldn’t relent. Belt after belt was emptied into the fleeing crowd. Brassers, eager to avenge the dent he’d have to pull out later with a bucket of hot mountain dew and an XXL suction cup strap on, followed to keep Pon-Raul in range.
As all but one hatchback was destroyed, the final few superwholockians threw themselves prostrate onto the ground, gripping the earth and shouting their surrenders.
Pon killed them all. One final rip of a meme belt through the cannon. “They’re animals” he said, “so I slaughtered them like animals.”
We were quiet on the way home. Pon still hasn’t washed his hands.
The scent of apples makes me sick now.Nobody sleeps much anymore.
Damn this place. They should shut it down. Burn it.
Man found the stoplight cameras were activated during yellow lights and decided to cut the wires of it.
Florida Man: Chaotic evil. New York Man: Chaotic good.
Holy shit. Nah dude look up the entire story, it’s INSANE.
The dude got arrested once before this for using a painter’s extension rod to point the stoplight cameras into the sky instead of cutting the wires. He didn’t cut the wires until AFTER he got out after being arrested the first time–which he did after posting facebook videos that prove that the stoplights are intentionally rigged to trick drivers into citations–the yellow lights at intersections with cameras only last THREE SECONDS, as opposed to the five seconds they last at other stoplights without cameras in the same county.
When he cut the camera cords, he reported his deeds to the news -himself,- and then politicians pressured the local police force into arresting him. The local police and sheriff deputies actually SUPPORT him for his actions because the lights have been killing innocent people! During his most recent arrest, one of the Sheriff’s Deputies actually -offered to bail him out-.
When he got home again after these incidents, there was a surveillance camera planted at his house BY THE GOVERNMENT to watch him! His reaction to being surveilled? He painted over the camera in America’s flat out fucking ballsiest “fuck you” to the gubmint I’ve ever heard of.
And it gets EVEN CRAZIER. After painting over the camera, suddenly this guy–his name is Stephen Ruth by the way–started GETTING ATTEMPTS ON HIS LIFE. He reports that a car intentionally tried to hit him in a head-on collision, and after talking about the car to his neighbors, they confirmed that the car in question (Or at least, one that was visibly identical, its occupants included) had been staking out his house! Somebody was legitimately trying to MURDER HIM over his discovery and his actions!
As a final insult to injury, Ruth pointed out that the VAST majority of the cameras were found SPECIFICALLY in lower-to-middle-class neighborhoods. As well, the victims of these rigged stoplights tried to go to the local news station to talk about the deaths of their family members that occurred from the rigging. Aaaand… The local station, “News12″, never aired their interviews.
Remember how I said that, after cutting the cables and calling the local news station, Ruth was arrested because of pressure from politicians? Get this: News12 is actually owned by CableVision, who PROVIDES INTERNET SERVICE TO THE CAMERAS.
Whereas mister Ruth was only trying to help people and save lives, he’s been caught up in a full-blown fucking government conspiracy that’s out for his blood. This guy isn’t Robin Hood, he makes Robin Hood look like a -CHUMP-.
Tumblr refugee 